


Suicide If I Said I'm In Love

by HumanitiesStrongestHope



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Character Death, M/M, aot - Freeform, attack on titan - Freeform, eren/levi - Freeform, ereri, levi/eren - Freeform, shingeki no kyoijin - Freeform, snk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-07
Updated: 2015-06-07
Packaged: 2018-04-03 09:01:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4094962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HumanitiesStrongestHope/pseuds/HumanitiesStrongestHope
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi was never keen on the idea of falling in love. To him it was an illusion that only hurt people. He didn't need company, or at least that's what he thought.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Suicide If I Said I'm In Love

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there! This is my first upload on A03. Literally just a short one shot that I happened to come up with when listening to Mizgin - If I Said I'm In Love (Suicide). Hope you like it!

Love isn’t a thing that exists in a time like this. Love is simply what people want to believe they have, when in reality all they’re doing is tricking themselves and falling into the illusion that they have it. They don’t. They cling to each other because they’re scared and they don’t want to die alone. It destroys people, though. This silly little idea kills people; it tears them apart. That was why I had always refused to fall in love. Never would I give myself over to such a stupid idea. Never would I utter those words to another. I wouldn’t, not again. I wouldn’t have someone be ripped away from me and I wouldn't end up dying inside, like I had done before. That was what I had told myself over and over. God did I wish I had stuck to that now.

That stupid brat had worked his way into my life. He was nothing to me to start, nothing but a convenience to humanity and an inconvenience to myself. The truth is that I honestly have no idea how he did it. I beat him upon our first meeting. You’d think that would scare him, make him want to stay away, but it was just the opposite. His bright green eyes, always looking at me with such hope, such desire, had lured me in. The way he always spoke to me with such admiration- how could I not be interested? He found ways of making me want to stay close, and I followed suit with his ways of making me stay close.

 

At the point everything began to change, I had spent more than enough one-on-one time with the brat to feel attached to him. Attached. I didn’t love him. I couldn’t. It had started off as something almost playful. It was fooling around, really, something to ease off the stress of constantly putting our lives on the line.

His arms had trapped me, enclosing me. I couldn’t get up. I could only look up to his face. He swung his legs over the chair's sides, straddling me.

“Bold move there brat. Get off me.” 

He had merely laughed it off as his endearing eyes looked at me.

“Is that what you really want, Corporal?” He drew the word out, a playful glint in his eyes. As he whispered, his face was merely inches from mine, and he was so close I could feel his breath hitting my lips. “You want this just as much as me, so don’t fight it, Levi.” 

Then he captured my lips, his moving so softly against mine. They were warm, soft, sweet- everything I never knew I had been craving and never knew I needed, and more. But it wasn’t love.

_It’d be suicide if I said I’m love with you. ___

The fooling around became more than just fooling around, to say the least. It became regular. I grew too accustomed to the brats company. We became like anyone else: deluded by the idea of love. I was swept away with the idea that, for once, for somebody, I could break. I could take off the commanding mask I had always worn and just be held. He would whisper sweet nothings in my ear, proclaiming he loved me. I was his everything and he was mine, but I’d never admit to that. Love is dangerous. It gets you hurt and it rips people apart.

My head rested against his chest, fingers lazily tracing circles on the bare skin of his hip as I listened to his breathing. I could hear the thumping of his heart, the heart he had told me was mine. “Levi…”

I did nothing more than tilt my head up slightly to catch his eye, showing him I was listening. I let out a small ‘mmm?’. He looked down into my eyes and I swear I could have drowned in them right there. Those eyes were so much what I imagined an ocean would be like. 

“I love you, Levi.” It stung slightly. I couldn’t lie and say it didn’t. It wasn’t love. It was an illusion.

“You don’t love me Eren… don’t fool yourself into thinking such things. You’ll just get hurt.” I was lying. I knew there was no going back at this point, and I knew I loved him just as he said he love me. It was too late to turn back now. At this point, it was either be alone or stick together, try to make things work in this messed up world we were in.

“I do Levi…I know I shouldn’t have: I know what you told me, but I do…I’m sorry Levi, I love you.” 

I looked into those eyes, filled with so much love and adoration. They took my breath away and I knew there was no backing away now. A sigh escaped my lips. “I love you too, Eren.” 

His eyes widened at my words. I could feel the hammering of his heart increase. “Levi, no. Don’t say that just because you feel you need to please… that makes it worse.” 

I rolled my eyes at him before leaning up and pressing my lips against his, my hand now resting against his heart as I molded them together, becoming one. He let a small content sigh escape his lips. I broke away and gave him a small shrug with a smile. “I’m not, brat. I love you and there’s not much we can do about it now.”

God, had I been right. The day he was dragged from my clutches was the worst. Those eyes, once filled with so much love, happiness and kindness, were now wide with fear, tears threatening to spill out as he screamed for me. His arms were outstretched as he tried to reach for my hand. I had shot up only to be held back, fighting as hard as I could against the guards that held me back. “What are you doing?! Let me go! Let Eren go, get off me!”

I heard him scream my name over and over as they dragged him down the halls and that was when I knew.

“Eren Jaeger is to be put to death tomorrow. As the last standing titan, it is for humanities safety and best interest.” With that, they had walked away.

That night was cold. It was so cold. I craved his warm body against mine. I missed being able to inhale and smell him, being able to feel his skin against my own, his fingers intertwined with mine. I missed the sound of his voice, his breathing. I missed him. I couldn’t sleep. Instead, I paced as I tried to think of something. I had tried to convince Erwin to take back the order only to be told it was out of his hands. I had grovelled at the knees of the damn Military Police, begging them, telling them he was no threat, only to be told it was orders, it had to be done, and he was a danger to us all. There was nothing I could do.

 

I watched as they bought him out the next day. Chains round his ankles and wrists, they held him down like some animal as they pushed him to the ground. His eyes scanned around, catching mine as he gave me one last smile. He mouthed out those damn words, the words I had said to myself I wouldn’t ever say, the words that broke families apart, the words that tore people and destroyed them from the inside out. The click of a gun locked and I pushed through to try get through to him, my eyes wide and frantic. They held the barrel to his head as I was held back by strong arms. I looked at his face. Both his eyes were filled with fear but were also calm and loving.

‘I love y-‘

**‘BANG’ ******

His eyes went cold, lifeless and I watched every ounce of love and hate, fear and calm drain from them. I screamed, clawing away from the prying arms and fell to my knees beside his body. I cracked in front of everyone. I wasn’t the strong corporal people knew me as in that moment. I was screaming and crying as I clutched at his body, his head resting in my lap as I let out loud wails and moans. I cried, not only because Eren had died,but because inside so had I. And now, I may as well have been laying beside him, cold and lifeless because he had become my reason for living. He had become my everything and now I had nothing. I had died along with him except I had the cruel fate of having to go on living without him.

_It’d be suicide if I said I’m in love with you. ___


End file.
